5 Reasons Captain America is still looking for Mrs. Steve Rogers

Written by ‘Surly’ Jacob Murray

Captain America is an icon. He represents everything Americans hold dear; patriotism, honor, strength, compassion, righteousness, scratch compassion I shouldn’t have included that one, red, white and blue, hot dogs, fireworks and milkshakes. The only all-American thing Captain America doesn’t have is a family.

To obtain the national prerogative of 2.5 little ones and a white picket fence, you at least need a girlfriend, and Captain America is Marvel‘s number one bachelor. It’s not for lack of trying or lack of interest. Modern dating is a minefield that even the savviest singles find harrowing. Despite having a glut of excellent qualities, there are solid reasons Captain America eats his microwave dinners alone. Five of them, to be exact.

1. He is Career Oriented

It is a sad fact of modern life that sometimes we have to choose between who we love and what we love doing. The call to action is always there for a super hero and for no one is that more true than Steve Rogers. Perhaps if he took a less grandstanding name he wouldn’t be on S.H.I.E.L.D’s speed dial. It doesn’t matter how strong or heroic you are, no one is itching to have “Captain Temecula” show up and save the day. Who has time for relationships when you are regularly fighting off swarms of Ultron drones or Chitauri cannon fodder? Apparently Hawkeye, but Captain America barely has time for a latte, let alone a lady.

2. It’s Lonely at the Top

They say power is sexy and that’s true, but power is also intimidating. Imagine the inadequacy a nice young lady working on her bachelor degree in political science would feel at dinner.

“So Steve, what do you do?”

“Well… I uhh… I lead the Avengers… I save the planet, like, a lot.”

“Oh, I see. My professors thinks I have potential.”

“Cool. Cool cool.”

A few awkward sips of water later.

“So where do you see yourself in 10 years?”

“Oh you know, little bit of this, little bit of that. Piecing together the fabric of space-time with the Guardians of the Galaxy. Maybe learning to rumba.”

“What was that about the galaxy?”

“How about you?”

“I’d like to see Europe.”

“Lucky for you it’s still there because I stopped a psychotic conscious robot from dropping a city on it.”

“Waiter! Check please.”

Steve Rogers doesn’t apologize for hanging off the highest rung of the kicking ass ladder, nor should he. It’s going to take some time to weed out anyone who has even the slightest inferiority complex and can handle the monolith that is Captain America.

3. Side Effects May Include

Speaking of monoliths, the super soldier serum was a dazzling success for Captain America and his ex-compatriot Bucky Barnes, The Winter Solider, imbuing them with super strength and super good looks. Unfortunately, the wonder drug never made it past clinical trials for the mass market. All good things have a downside, a yin to their yang. Sometimes a seeming positive can make dating tough. Super soldier serum is able to turn a runt into an Adonis, and contrary to popular belief, pectoral perfection narrows the dating field down a bit. There’s that intimidation factor again, rearing it’s ugly head. Faint of heart need not apply. <

4. He Is Still Using Pick Up Lines from the 1940s

Dating in the 2010s is complicated. Never before have there been so many avenues to find the love of your life. You’ve got your online dating, and while there are sites for nerds, goths, farmers and everything in between there’s a distinct void in groups devoted to “thawed out geezers with strapping young bodies”. Then there are apps, like Tinder. But with Captain America’s ability to take a selfie likely on par with his understanding of the Jersey Shore, not many women are swiping right for a blurry profile picture featuring part of a bright red shield and a chin-strap. Even if Cap gets to the point of chatting a lady up, leading off with, “Hi sugar, are you rationed?” is going to get him more sore cheeks than dates. When you come from a time where women were ‘dames’ and ‘broads’, going out dancing made you a ‘hoofer’ or a ‘ducky shincracker’ and a good time was a ‘gas’ and a ‘killer diller’, it’s no wonder when Cap talks to women, they have no flipping idea what he’s talking about.

5. Waiting for Mrs. Right

It’s not as if Captain America’s travels have been bereft of lovely women. There was Agent Peggy Carter, a real catch in anyone’s eye. When knocked with goo-goo-ga-ga gas from Scarlet Witch, Peggy was front and center in Cap’s fever dreams. Unfortunately, spending almost three generations on ice doesn’t do wonders for star-crossed lovers. Captain America had his moment to go with Black Widow too, but Cap’s thing isn’t redemption, he’s all about purity and Natasha Romanoff comes with quite a bit of baggage. Look, we don’t begrudge Rogers his whimsical fancies. Dear old Captain America will have to wait for a righteous, single and interested heroine to come along if he wants to settle down. I heard tell of a really groovy chick with power and responsibility to spare. Goes by Carol Danvers, could be a good match.

So there you have it. Captain America remains the Avengers’ greatest catch for the foreseeable future. Could there be wedding bells one day, or at least a warm bed? Maybe, but first he’ll have to ease off on the super-heroing, perhaps give a certain winged someone their shot tossing a vibranium shield. When the perfect woman for Cap does finally stroll along, let’s all hope he’s got the right parlance to engage in meaningful conversation and avoids using words like parlance.

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