12 Questions we have about the new Force Awakens Trailer

Written by Jacob Murray

You’ve seen the trailer, you’ve bought your tickets. The clock is ticking far too slowly towards the night of December 17th when we finally get to witness JJ Abrams attempt at breathing new life on the silver screen into the Star Wars franchise.

Like any good trailer, last night’s debut raised more questions than it answered. Now, I know many out there have already picked this thing apart. Rumors abound and would-be detectives comb through frames to find hints as to the plot of The Force Awakens. That’s not what this is. I’m not here to speculate about the story. I enjoy the mystery and want the movie to reveal answers, not some faceless bantha fodder on a forum.

However I still have a few questions I’d like answered immediately.

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1. Why is this guy holding a skateboard?

I presume these are either Kylo Ren’s elite guard, a group of bounty hunters he hired, or a photo shoot for the CD of the universe’s favorite Sith boy band. I know it’s one of those three and I also know that dude in the back is holding a skateboard and I demand to know why.

2. Are the First Order Stormtroopers going to be mindlessly daft, smart and proper soldiers, or total badasses?

Let’s ask this one.

He looks busy. Wait, is he going to try and take on an X-Wing?

Yes. Yes he is.

3. Is Finn ever going to look anything other than freaked out?

Bzzt. Try again.

Still nope.

This is harder than I thought.

Close but I’m still getting mostly confusion and unease.

Ok there we go, looking nice and confident, ready to do some damage.

Nevermind.

4. What the heck is causing this tidal wave?

The easy answer is a battalion of X-Wings as seen in a previous shot, gliding over the water. But you don’t know that. It could be a new, larger ship we haven’t seen yet, some cool sea creature on the attack, or a herd of trapped unicorns. Oh who am I kidding? It’s just a tsunami. Global warming is the real power of the Dark Side.

5. Why is Princess Leia sad?

Is it because Han is going out to battle again after so many years of blissful retirement from the smuggler-turned-rebel-warrior trade? Or that her and Han’s offspring aren’t the stars of the movie? Whatever it is, she needs to stop. A new Star Wars movie is coming out! This is suppose to be a happy time. There’s no crying in baseball. Er, Star Wars.

6. What is with this guy’s posture?

I’ve watched the trailer thirty times and I can’t for the life of me figure out why anyone in this galaxy or any far far away would walk the way he is a walking. He might ruin the entire movie for me.

7. Again, what’s with the crying?

Quit it.

8. What kind of ship is this and where can I get one?

I need it for…errands. Seriously though, what kind of lease deal did Kylo Ren get on that thing? The insurance must be through the roof.

9. Whose blood is that?

That’s not generic blood spatter. That’s someone-trusted-I-wouldn’t-kill-them-but-I-did-anyway-so-they-clutched-sadly-at-me-in-their-dying-moments-while-I-looked-on-in-horror blood. Finn says, “I have nothing to fight for.” You had that dude to fight for. But you killed that dude, Finn. I don’t know who that dude (or dude-ess) is but you killed them and that sucks.

10. Who gave Kylo Ren the battle scars?

And more importantly, is Kylo Ren a cult leader, laying hands on parishioners akin to some nutty Evangelical priest?

11. Is that red light motivated by a real thing or is it just an Abrams’ lens flare?

I hope it’s a real thing.

12. One last question. Why isn’t it December 17th already?

I’ll be right back. I’ve got a 58-day nap planned.

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