The Sideshow Field Guide- Spooktacular Edition: How To Survive Your First Few Days in the Zombie Apocalypse
Spooktacular is upon us. That special time of the year when the ghosts and ghouls rise from their graves and unspeakable creatures crawl from the darkest abyss to wreak havoc on the living.
We at the Sideshow Field Guide to Fairytale Myths and Monsters just love this frightful time of year. So much so that we have put together a special series of our guide to keep you safe during this eerie event. Because while the most important thing is that we all have fun, we want to make sure everyone, you know… survives.
After all, you never know what might be lurking just around the corner or right outside your front door. You could be minding your own business on the couch, watching television, when suddenly a warning blares across your screen and a high pitched alarm ferociously shakes your home. The text scrolling across the bottom of the screen tells you that the dead have risen from their slumber to feed upon the flesh of the living.
But fear not, because if you follow these four simple steps, you’ll make it through the event unscathed … possibly.
Step 1 – Stay Put and Stay Quiet
Seriously, in the event of zombies, your best bet is to stay cooped up in your own home with the doors and windows locked and the curtains closed. Don’t go outside, and we would even advise you to not look out the window either. You don’t want to give out any hints as to where you might be hiding, and you never know what might be looking back in at you.
That goes double for staying quiet. Zombies are very sensitive to sounds, and many experts believe it may be their core sense for hunting stray humans. So don’t play any loud music or blare your television. Keep everything at a reasonable volume so nothing outside your home can hear you, and keep up with the latest news on the zombie menace via your silenced cell phone. It’s a great time to relax… maybe catch up on your reading or scrapbooking.
In the event that the whole thing blows over in a few days, you’ll be no worse for the wear and be able to look back at the entire unfortunate event as nothing more than a nice, relaxing, stay-cation at home. And you can keep the scrapbook for some lovely memories to show guests.
What’s that? You forgot to go grocery shopping?
Step 2 – Supply and Demand
Obviously, starting Step 1 does assume that you keep your fridge and pantry at least somewhat stocked with enough food in case of undead emergencies. If this is not the case, then we can’t help you. Sorry.
Well… unless you are willing to leave the house, dodge the undead trying to attack you, and reach a local market for supplies before the epidemic is in full swing. You would need to do this early, likely as soon as you get word the zombie outbreak has begun, before too many other people are bitten and infected. The fewer ghouls roaming around, the safer it will be for you. If you wait too long to get the supplies, the streets will be swarmed with the undead and you’ll have no chance to safely navigate to the store and back.
You also have to avoid overly panicked fellow survivors willing you beat you down for those last few bags of black licorice and boiled peanuts. Wait, actually, let them have the licorice.
Also, a car is a must for speed and the minor protections it can provide you on your errand.
But what if something manages to follow you back home?
Step 3 – Remove the Head or Destroy the Brain
Your “Step 1” home base plan only works if none of the zombies know where you are. So in the unfortunate event that you were followed and need to fight off a zombie attack, you will need to do so quickly and quietly without arousing the suspicions of any neighboring creatures that may be within earshot.
Individual zombies themselves are not tough to defeat. Yes, they are strong and feel no pain, but they are also uncoordinated and have a one-track mind. (Like you in junior high, but with slightly worse skin.)
You can take out a single zombie who is bothering you with any variety of blunt instruments (baseball bat, hockey stick, garden rake). The head is the weak point. One swift swing and you’re free to continue the original scrapbooking plan.
However, if you find that an entire group of zombies has taken up residence on your doorstep while you were out, then you might as well turn back to the car or serve yourself up on an oversized plate with a garnish of parsley.
Step 4 – Strength in Numbers
We get it. You’re the cool lone wolf hero who has already taken out a zombie with a cricket bat and you’ve got a car full of boiled peanuts and paper-craft materials. You don’t need anyone, right?
Wrong! You never know when you might suddenly be surrounded by the undead. All it takes is one dumb mistake (a mistimed cell-phone ring, playing a YouTube video too loud, tripping over your shoelace, etc.) and the next thing you know, you’re craving brains just like the rest of the populace who didn’t take the time to read this guide. You will likely need other survivors to lend a hand in time of need. That way, you can ride this out together, and have some new friends to help you with your scrapbook once you all get to a government safety point.
Just make sure they run just a little bit slower than you do…
We hope this guide helps if/when the zombie apocalypse hits. If you’re looking to find out exactly what type of zombies you’re dealing with, check out last Spooktacular’s Guide to Zombie Classifications! Be sure to keep an eye on this space for more Sideshow Field Guides- Spooktacular Edition!
This October, we’re putting the “eek” in Geek from October 24th-31st for our annual Spooktacular celebration! Head to spooktacular.com for all the creepiest content, most ghoulish giveaways, and most devilish deals to get you in the mood for Halloween.